I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
