don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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