I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
