I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
