Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
