Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
