why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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