New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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