So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
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