I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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