the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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