im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
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