Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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