The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
