i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
