Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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