just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
