I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
