i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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