I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
