Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
as a side note pls kill me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
