It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
He passed out mid-signature
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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