I think I am morally bankrupt
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
