We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
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He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
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dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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