One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
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you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"