Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...