Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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