does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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