I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
