I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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