Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
