you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
