Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
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