There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
