The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
