I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
