Apparently you make a good broom.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
