she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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