Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
