So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
