i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
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