in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
