In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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