Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You are the jesus of drinking
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
