Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
