Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had to cum in my sink.
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