I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
