I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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