you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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