So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
