he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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