hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
