He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
