you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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