if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
