my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
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what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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