and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
