Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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