Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
