At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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